I hate the fact that everything I write on here is negative and I do try to be positive but whenever I do I feel like I'm coming off fake and people are seeing right through it all.

On Monday I'll be returning to school and I feel really unprepared. I really wanted to make the best of this year by planning to take a drama course to cheer me up but the entry was limited to those taking the program,which I understand but that was supposed to be my decompression course so my head wouldn't explode. Oh well. I guess I could join the club if I have the time. I'm obviously currently missing all things creative. Back when I was in high school I drew for fun, sang in the choir, was part of drama troupe project, I got to do all sorts of creative things but now I feel like I'm just weighing myself down and all my happy thoughts are gone. This isn't the old me.

I also have another reason to be upset at the moment. Like I said in my last blog I have a new job, one that's really bad at remembering booked off days. My birthday is on the 13th of September so I decided to take off that weekend so I could hang out with my friends. I figured, since it was on a Saturday, I would actually make an effort at my birthday instead of just sitting around the house. Guess what? I won't be doing either. They scheduled me to work even though I booked it off weeks ago. Since my friends can't make it for Saturday anyways and will be coming on Sunday that isn't much of a problem but the situation reinforces my belief about my birthday: If I make an effort something will always go wrong so I shouldn't bother. Anyways my birthday is a moot point when it comes to my attitude towards it.

Like I said before I'm starting school on Monday and it just feels like I'm not going anywhere. I know science careers take time and study but I just feel like I'm not doing anything and my life is passing me by. I read a blog today that said we should always be trying to leave an impression on the world. Whats my impression? At almost 20 I have no major accomplishments or awards, no self-started projects to be proud of, no entrepreneurial efforts to speak of, I can't even say I have a successful talent or ability. I feel like I don't have a life! Like I'm a robot moving from home to school to work and back. At no point am I going to something I would enjoy like a play or a concert or even a book reading, just the same old study, marry, have kids and die story.